We need to know that our partner will be there when we need him/her most.
We need our partner to know that we will be there when he/she needs us most.
You and your partner can be each other’s source of greatest resilience: each other’s safe haven and secure base. Let us help you get out of whatever patterns you may be in that are keeping you from creating this type of relationship.
People Often Don’t Know What They Don’t Know
Partners usually are either more predominately the pursuer or the withdrawer in their relationship. Every instinctive behavior and primary emotional response is in fact an attempt to find safety. We find our greatest safety as human beings by turning to the person who we trust cares about us most and can be relied upon to be there for us when we need support, protection, comfort and reassurance. Even if all that person can offer us is that they, like us, are scared, but that they will be there with us and we are not alone: we are scared together.
Somehow, being scared together is not at all as threatening as being scared alone
Usually, people are stuck in negative patterns of interaction that are pulling them further and further apart because they are trying to “fix” their relationship using the very strategies that are destroying it.
They are trying to either:
“fight for” their connection with their partner, or
“protect” their connection with their partner
The more the pursuing partner pursues for connection (fights for the connection), the more the withdrawing partner withdraws from the conflict in attempt to protect the connection from becomming more damaged.
Pursuing Partners are actively reaching for their partner: they are FIGHTING for connection with their partner and against anything perceived as a threat to their connection
Withdrawing Partners are actively trying to protect their connection with their partner. They are FLEEING from anything they perceive as a threat to their connection with their partner.
The greater the threat the partners perceive to their connection, the more intense their attempts to protect their connection will be.
Unfortunately, each partner’s attempts to protect are likely to be perceived by the other as a threat to their relationship. They begin, therefore, down a path of fighting against each other’s attempts to connect.
The pursuer’s reach is likely to feel like a slap to the withdrawer.
The withdrawer’s flee is likely to feel like an abandonment to pursuer.
The negative cycle ensues as the partners begin fighting against that which they perceive as the threat to their relationship: each other.
They can’t see that it is in fact their partner’s behavior and emotional response is what they are fighting against or protecting against. The partner then becomes the enemy, rather than the behavior or emotional response. Most people stuck in these patterns struggle to get out, but they double their efforts in doing more of the same strategies that are creating their negative interactive dance. It gets them nowhere but more stuck. Why waste another moment of your life trying to “do it on your own”, especially if that strategy isn’t getting you the long-term results you have been seeking? Let us help you get out of the negative patterns you have been stuck in and help you create a new way of being together. Let us help you clear out all the ineffective clutter that has been between you and your partner and help you find each other. Find a therapist who understands these negative interactions and how to help people out of them: an EFT therapist. The therapists at the Arizona Relationship Institute spend hours each week training in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Their cases are closely supervised and reviewed by Dr. Lisa Gold: the first therapist in Arizona who was certified as an EFT therapist and the first AZ therapist to be certified as an EFT supervisor. We know how to help you out of this negative cycle.